


Coincidence? I Think Not.

by Chloe_at_Eleusis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complete, F/M, Oneshot, Snark, dramione mockery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-07
Updated: 2012-09-07
Packaged: 2017-11-13 18:17:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chloe_at_Eleusis/pseuds/Chloe_at_Eleusis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An evening conversation in the Potions lab. Hermione is much more like Severus than most people understand. AU and EWE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coincidence? I Think Not.

"Tell me something, Severus—"

"The measurement of Earth's declination at solstice is exactly equal to the minutes and seconds required to brew the Aequilibrus potion."

"—something I don't already know."

"Draco Malfoy nicked a pair of your knickers in seventh year. He keeps them in his nightstand."

" _What!_ That little—how did he—he couldn't have! Those wards were my seventh year Charms project! How could he possibly—and does Astoria know? Merlin, she must… Severus, are you _making notes?_ "

"Most satisfactory. I'll have to tell you things you don't know more often."

"You bloody arse. That's why you wouldn't let me read that notebook. You set me off and record my responses? It's not even true, is it? Talk about abuse of trust—why I even—"

"If I may remind you, Hermione: You asked me to tell you something you didn't know. Nowhere was it stipulated that the thing I told you had to be true."

"Shifty Slytherin."

"Gormless Gryffindor."

"I can't argue with that. Well, I could, but that would play into your efforts to distract me."

"Your gormlessness is clearly infectious. I knew it. From now on, madam, you're required to wear a mask in this lab."

"If gormlessness were infectious, Severus, Neville would have infected you before the end of his fourth year. The hours he spent in detention with you would have been more than sufficient to finish the job."

"So you finally admit that Longbottom is gormless."

"Of course I do. I never said he wasn't. I simply asserted that being gormless doesn't make one stupid."

"Since you are gormless, that's demonstrably true. In Longbottom's case, it wasn't dispositive of his intellect; it was merely one more component of his utter lack of any discernable charm. Such is not the case with you."

"Ah, Severus, you silver-tongued snake, careful with the extravagant praise; I'll melt and contaminate the fluxweed. And you still haven't allowed me to ask the question. So now, while you're not interrupting: Tell me why so many people have commented on the so-called 'sexual tension' Malfoy and I had during school."

"Because said persons are not capable of differentiating the tension generated by vehement dislike founded on violently clashing worldviews from the tension caused by unrequited desire. Admittedly one may masquerade as the other; but in this case your former classmates are choosing to overlook that such is not always the case, even between two attractive members of the opposite sex."

"Of course not. Why anyone would think such a thing... Wait. You thought I was attractive during school?"

"No. I knew you were attractive to your schoolmates during school, which is not the same as finding you attractive myself. You were one of the children I had to protect then; it took well over ten years before I could see you as a woman."

"Yes, I know; I remember every second of the three excruciating years I had to spend convincing you... So you're saying that simply because Malfoy and I were both attractive and were constantly sniping at each other, people thought we were somehow meant to be together?"

"In fine, yes."

"What a lamentable lack of logic."

"Isn't it? To be fair, the idea also held 'star-crossed lover' appeal. If in a fit of hormonal madness the two of you had convinced yourselves you were meant for each other, all of your friends and family would have been violently opposed to it."

"Yes, well, the same was true of my friends and family for you, but I wasn't able to play the star-crossed card there—"

"Of course not. I'm neither young nor beautiful, which is rather a requirement for the denomination."

"Even had you shared Malfoy's physical charms, the fact that you are not, er, a nice person would have overshadowed them."

"Indeed."

"There's no need to sound so repressive—you take pride in that. Odd how so many people can't differentiate between 'good' and 'nice.'"

"As I've repeatedly—and apparently to little effect—pointed out, 'people' are simpleminded."

"They certainly seem consistently to have missed the fact that I'm not very nice either. Though since I seem to conceal it better than you do, I'm fairly happy that they should remain in error."

"Our cases are inverted. I actively worked to appear the epitome of blackheartedness while concealing every evidence of love or loyalty. You were a loving friend and an ostensibly harmless, well-intentioned swot while disfiguring classmates and rendering teachers into the hands of centaurs, not to mention committing larceny, brewing controlled substances, physically assaulting teachers…"

"You know that I wasn't the one who Expelliarmused you!"

"I was referring to the confluence of your pyromania and my cloak."

"Oh."

"'Oh' indeed."

"Stop being so bloody smug. You admitted that had you been in my position you'd have done the same."

"As I recall, what I said was that had I been in your position I would have come to the same conclusion. I certainly would not have done the same thing; I'd have stolen a Hufflepuff's wand and Stupefied the teacher. And I didn't say I blamed you. I said I counted it against you, which is quite different."

"Rather judgmental of you."

"Dear me, were we discussing judgmental behavior? Such as disfiguring a 16-year-old girl because she was terrified for her mother?"

"We've discussed this. I didn't blame her for her fear—she had reason—but she chose to risk not only our safety but that of the wizarding world by supporting people who denied Riddle's return. And I undid the hex at the end of the year."

"Blame or not, you alone were judge and jury when you tried her and found her wanting, and you sentenced her to months of ridicule. Understand me, Hermione. Regardless of the convictions of your friends and family, I am not the only judgmental and underhanded one in this room."

"… No. I—you're not. But—"

"But I love you regardless."

"Not true."

"Must you be so incessantly percipient? You're correct. I don't love you _regardless_. Amongst many other things, I love you _because_."

"Odd that I also love you, amongst many other things, for qualities you used to conceal. Coincidence?"

"I think not."

**Author's Note:**

> Just a flight of fancy that occurred between studying for exams and novel-writing. It subsumes a few things that have been drifting through my mind for some time now (though it doesn't foreclose my liking for other pairings); and it's a one-off that doesn't indicate any work on my on-hiatus fics.
> 
> In any case, I hope you enjoyed it; if you've the time, drop me line and let me know what you think. It brightens my day enormously, and I welcome the insight into my writing that you can provide.


End file.
